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WHAT WOMEN WANT!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom.  The monarch could have killed him but
was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.  So the monarch offered
him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it
was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer.  Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only
she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but to talk to the witch.  She agreed to answer his question,
but he'd have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified.  She was hunchbacked and hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises,
etc.  He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure
such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to
Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered
Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total
freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.  Gawain was proper
as always, gentle and courteous.  The old witch put her worst
manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached.  Gawain, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom.  But what a sight
awaited him!  The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during
the night?

What a cruel question!

Gawain pondered his predicament.  During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his home, an old witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a
beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've
made your own choice.

Make YOUR choice BEFORE you read Gawain's answer!

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way,
things are going to get ugly

5 Reasons Why God Uses Problems

T he problems you face will either defeat you or develop

you - depending on how you respond to them.

Unfortunately, most people fail to see how God wants to

use problems for good in their lives. They react foolishly and resent their

problems rather than pausing to consider what benefit they might bring.

Here are five ways God wants to use the problems in your life:
1.God Uses Problems To DIRECT U 
S ometimes God must light a fire under you to get you moving.

Problems often point us in a new direction and motivate us to change.

Is God trying to get your attention? "Sometimes it takes

a painful situation to make us change our ways." 
2. God Uses Problems To INSPECT U
P eople are like tea bags...if you want to know what's inside them,

just drop them into hot ever water! Has God tested

your faith with a problem What do problems reveal about you?

"When you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full 

of joy, because you know that these   troubles test your faith,

and this will give you patience."
3. God Uses Problems To CORRECT U
S ome lessons we learn only through pain and failure.

It's likely that as a child your parents told you not to touch a hot stove. 

But you probably learned by being burned. Sometimes we only learn

the value of something... health, money, a relationship. ..

by losing it. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me,

for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." 
4. God Uses Problems To PROTECT U 
A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it prevents you from
being harmed by something more serious. Last year a friend
was fired for refusing to do something unethical that his boss
had asked him to do. His unemployment was a problem - but
it saved him from being convicted and sent to prison a year
later when management's actions were eventually discovered.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good...
5. God Uses Problems To PERFECT U
P roblems, when responded to correctly, are character builders.
God is far more interested in your character than your comfort.
Your relationship to God and your character are the only two
things you're going to take with you into eternity. 

"We can rejoice when we run into problems...
they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of
character in us and helps us trust God more each time

we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady."
Here's the point Ad: 
God is at work in your life - even when you do not recognize it or understand it.
But it's much easier and profitable when you cooperate with Him.

"Success can be measured not only in achievements, but in lessons learned,
lives touched and moments shared along the way" 

The House of 1000 Mirrors

Long ago in a small, far away village, there was a place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the house, he thought to himself, "This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often."

In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, "That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again."

All the faces in the world are mirrors. What kind of reflections do you see in the faces of the people you meet?

Family Affairs

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me
to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I
haven't even met once.We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to
marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a
hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages...I'll tell you my
story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter
and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's
father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother
and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems…………….gimme a break !!" 

True love

True love

This is what True Love is all about:


It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.



I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him look at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.


While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation.  I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.


I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer' s Disease .


As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.


I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are? "


He smiled as he patted my hand and said, " She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."  I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."


True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. 

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose  given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died of exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the    next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

OH, Come on...take a guess!

Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

The Value of a Drink

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame   Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,  smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not"
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza." 
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

ME and MY BOSS

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

Husband & Wife

Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, " and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ."

Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy !"

"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ." 

Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "

The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man."   

Why ?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"

Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ." 

Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service!"   

Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"    

Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."   

Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."